


Far away from all the trouble I had caused with my own hands

by EponineTheStrange (gallifreyandglowclouds)



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 04:44:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallifreyandglowclouds/pseuds/EponineTheStrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: In her trailer after a day of filming Who, Karen is crying. She doesn’t know what is wrong, she feels that everything is just building up and becoming to hard. She’s lost touch with her friends over the years, and she’s scared of the suicidal thoughts she’s having. Matt drops by to give her the script, she asks if she can talk to him, she admits to him that she wants to kill herself, and that she has been self harming for the last year. He’s her best friend, and he’s there to hold her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Far away from all the trouble I had caused with my own hands

Karen has been waiting for them to call cut on the final scene of the episode since they started filming that day, because she feels like she’s been on the verge of tears since she got on set. She doesn’t talk to anyone, she just retreats back to her trailer, curls up in a ball on the couch and starts to cry. 

It had started sort of imperceptibly when she started on  _Who,_ and though the giddy joy of meeting Matt and Arthur helped hide things for a while, but there would be times where she would just feel drained, for no real reason. Then things started getting difficult with Patrick. She would find herself crying for no real reason, and there would be days where the mere thought of getting out of bed and facing the world made her want to curl up under the covers. 

For a while she figured that it would just sort itself out. She doesn’t say anything to her GP when she goes to her physical, and when she talks to her mom, the only answer she can get is, “Sometimes we all feel a little blue. Give it a couple weeks, you’ll snap out of it.” 

The thing is though, is that quite the opposite has occurred - things have actually been getting worse. She wants to cry all the time. She only goes out with the cast every once in a while, and spends a lot of time curled up under blankets in her flat, wishing that the world would just up and disappear for a moment. She’s lost touch with her Inverness friends, and  recently she’s even been feeling a weird disconnect with Matt, whom she is incredibly close to and would never want to lose. 

It’s been eleven months, probably almost a year since she took a knife to her inner thighs for the first time and they started becoming a web of silver scars. Cutting helps her feel some measure of control, some kind of catharsis, but it’s soon gone again and she’s back to being sad and anxious again. She blames herself too, blames herself for Patrick leaving and losing her friends and not being able to keep up, because she’s supposed to be twenty-five and have her life under control, though it most definitely isn’t. 

There are times when she’s cutting that she thinks about what it might feel like to drag the knife across her wrists so hard that the bleeding won’t stop. She ponders what it might feel like to end it all, because at the moment it feels like the only light left at the end of a long, dark tunnel. 

She’s even planned it - after they’re done filming her and Arthur’s last block. She doesn’t know how, but does it matter? She’s got a container full of Tylenol 3, and plenty of sharp things, and a car with a garage, so it’ll probably be less difficult than carrying on with carrying on. 

And yet, the ease with which she can contemplate dying frightens her. It’s not the actual act itself, which she anticipates being rather much like going to sleep. It’s the fact that her mind can concoct all these scenarios without much trouble. She feels like she’s drowning, and she can’t get out, and there’s nothing that can save her now.

Suddenly, there’s a knocking at her door. “Kaz? Kaz, open up! I’ve got a script for you!”

No one, not even Matt, has found her like this, a crying mess in her trailer. Her heart is in her throat as she goes to open her door. 

He bursts in, full of energy like he always is, and he’s been particularly manic since he learned about Arthur and Karen’s impending departure. “You forgot, Miss Moonface, that we had a meeting afterwards to get scripts for the next episode. I’ve missed learning lines with you, so after we’re all done here-“ 

He looks at Karen, and something switches in his eyes - the manic energy goes away, and it’s replaced with concern. “God, Kaz, are you okay?”

She shakes her head and starts to cry again, but harder, and he hugs her, wraps her tight in his arms like only he can do, and it’s at moments like these where she doesn’t understand why she hasn’t ever spoken to him about this, about her depression, because he wouldn’t judge, and there are days where she feels like he’s the only friend she’s got left. He lets her sob in to the shoulder of that stupid, but oddly comforting tweed jacket until she stops.

He grabs her hand and leads her over to the couch and sits down with her there. “Kaz, what’s wrong?” 

She doesn’t even know where to start. 

“Matt,” she says, cautiously, and doesn’t meet his eyes, “I’m depressed.”

He doesn’t say anything. 

“It’s been going on for a while, almost since we started filming, but it’s gotten a lot worse in the past year.” 

He nods. “I - I’ve been wondering if something was up.” 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know,” he says, “I guess you just haven’t been - you recently. And I quite like happy Karen.” 

Karen nods. “I’ve been cutting.” It’s a bit surprising how easy things are flowing out, and she wonders why there was a mental block in front of it previously. 

Matt looks shocked, and she’s never seen him like that before. “But your wrists, Kaz-” and she cuts him off, “It’s not always places you can see, Matt. There’s a few too many short sleeves involved in this job.” 

She inhales deeply, and since she’s laying it all out for him, she figures she might as well say everything. “And I’ve been thinking about killing myself after I’m done as Amy on the show.” 

That galvanises him to action, and he practically flies across the couch and wraps her in his arms again. “No, Kazza, Kaz, please, god, don’t do that.” 

“Why?” She asks, and her voice trembles because she’s pretty sure she’s going to start crying again soon. 

“Because everyone’s going to miss you. Your mom and dad will miss you. Caitlin will miss you. Arthur will miss you. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you most of all!” 

“I don’t know, Matt,” she says, and now she’s crying again because she’s genuinely never seen or heard him this distressed. “Some days it just doesn’t feel like that. And a lot of the time - it would really just feel easier. Easier than struggling. I just feel so tired all the time, Matt.” 

“What can I do?” He asks quietly.

“I don’t know.” 

“Can I come stay with you, Kaz?” 

“Why?” 

“Because my best friend has just told me that she’s suicidal,” Matt says, “and there is no way that I’m leaving her alone.” 

“Where are you going to sleep?” 

“On your couch. On your floor. Anywhere, Kaz, but I’d really appreciate knowing that you’re alive tomorrow morning and all the tomorrow mornings after that.” 

“Okay.” 

For the first time in a long time, she feels the faintest of sparks of hope within her. 

He does come and stay at her flat, and she discovers (periodically to her great pleasure and periodically to her supreme annoyance) that he will not be displaced easily, and even after he stops sleeping on her couch he still comes over most nights. 

She goes to her GP, who refers her to a psychiatrist. She goes to counselling twice a week, and starts some medication.

Things start to balance a little more, and slowly, she starts having hope that things will get better. It just might take a little time and a little help, but that’s okay.


End file.
